StōbeMusic

I have always wished I could play guitar. Honestly, I probably could if I were to put the effort in. However, the song isn’t really about that, it’s about acceptance, or rather, the feelings of not feeling accepted. I wished I could say the words that were on my heart, but oftentimes it’s taken as an attack to beliefs or character. I’m not the best when it comes to truly saying what is going on my mind (that’s why I have music). ‘There always seems to be something wrong with me, always estranged’, is a line that cut right to the point of the song. Feelings of isolation because of who I was didn’t fit that evangelical mold. I wanted so much to be a part of the family band, but since I wasn’t ashamed of myself, I guess that meant I wasn’t wanted when it came to playing at churches. My cousin played, but she left that slot vacant, yet others would fill that role. That used to really hurt, especially when I had expressed the desire multiple times. I learned to play alone, and to this day have a hard time playing with others because I don’t want to get my hopes up again. I’m working on it, there’s a few musicians that have expressed interest in getting together to jam. I should get on that.

‘I don’t think I belong here, all the rope I’ve make is frayed, I’m afraid’, speaks to how cut off from my community I felt and how all those years of building something just seemed to unravel in an instant. That time was so hard, my dad passing away, coming out in the Bible belt, graduation, having to grow up really fast. So many things at once for a 17-year-old. I know it’s not the worst human experience ever had, but it was a difficult time for sure.

The second verse is later in life, another day of depression and anxiety, calling out of work, trapped in my head, ruminating. The damage of those days back then still taking a toll on me later in life. My constant struggle to overcome those feelings and bitterness.

Moving on to the chorus is where the climax is. ‘No, I don’t need your Gods, don’t need you to pray, just stay away from me. I’m diseased’. That moment in life was so hard, nobody would believe me. It didn’t matter that they knew me all my life, their interpretation of their book said I was wrong, so they went by that. No compromises, no understanding, and at that time no tolerance. That’s fine, don’t be surprised if I don’t believe in an entity that would make me, yet cast me to hell because I’m an “abomination”. If that’s how God is, then I don’t want anything to do with that belief system, period. Remember? I’m diseased. Besides living a lie and getting with a woman or living a single lonely life, I don’t meet the criteria for your “God of love”.

Time has passed, and I’ve grown. I understand that I don’t have to let those things bother me anymore. I’d rather know where I stand with people so I can put them in the correct categories in my life. I’ve built walls to prevent pain. This has really affected my relationships later in life, but it’s something I’m consistently working on. I just don’t believe a religion has any value when it devalues people because of differences they cannot control. I hope that if you do feel as if you are being judged or silently cast out of your social circle, you know there are so many other people out there who have gone through similar experiences. Family isn’t always by blood, it’s made. You CAN find a community of people who will celebrate your differences, you CAN find something to believe in that is aligned with you, full of love and acceptance. It’s NOT people’s place to judge. “If they don’t pay your bills, you don’t pay them any mind.”Unless they paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind” -Rupaul

This song did feel good to get out, and it came to be very rapidly one night. I hope that if you can relate to it, you know that I’ve been there, and it does get better.

Stōbe

P.S.

I quickly recorded this and laid it down. I still remember those old hymns.