StōbeMusic

My heart is awfully heavy today. I’ve been in therapy off and on for the last two years now. I decided to seek grief counselling after my mother had passed in October of 2022. I’d like to think it helped a little bit, but the loss has changed me. Much in the same way that losing my dad did when I was 17. Back then, I had to grow up so fast. I don’t think I ever had time to completely develop my adult toolbox. I went straight from a carefree childhood to working and worrying about bills.

Those days have passed, and I made it. I’m still not wealthy, but I’m not homeless and haven’t had to miss a meal (I look it too). There’s a lot to be said of that coming from a family that has literally no money to their name. I have things to be proud of, I should be proud of the fact that I made my own way through those early adult years. Sure, I had a little help here and there, and I would be a jerk for not acknowledging those beautiful souls. Being a young adult is rough, and I don’t know how the current generation is doing it. But that’s a different blog post for a different day.

Fast forwarding to my 30s, I made some huge changes to my life. I went back to school and got an AAS. The first college graduate out of my entire family. Something I take pride in. I made a career jump from working in healthcare to getting a job at Charter. Then after a little while I met one of my partners and decided, after much consideration, to move across the country to enter into this polyamorous experiment. I made so many rapid changes, and for someone with anxiety issues, it’s a lot to take in. Not only that but going against the grain of what I was taught. What they thought was right and what was supposedly wrong. I made my own way, but it isn’t without having to confront those demons and deprogramming.

Even though I know it was hard for mom to accept the fact that I was moving far away, I was also entering into not only a gay relationship, but a poly at that. I can understand that what she was taught and believed had her fearing for my soul and my wellbeing. To be completely honest it’s hard work and it was nice to have her to talk to about what was going on and get her perspective and advice. The downside of living here is that I don’t have any family or old friends close. I’m making relationships here, and really appreciate these folks. I do look forward to see how these friendships evolve, but I can’t just get into the car and make a weekend trip back to my hometown even though I’d love to.

The distance is also a good thing. I live in a place where people just let you be who you are. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, they just let you be. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. But some evangelicals get off on their Bible scriptures and judgements. After all it’s not them judging right? It’s the book. Not all Christians are bad, obviously, but extremism is extremism no matter what side you’re on. If you can’t just go to church and refrain from telling everyone else how they should live, then don’t be surprised if people distance themselves from you. Your religion does not make you better than anyone else. That goes for all of them.

Getting back on track, one thing I do miss from my life is my mother’s unconditional love. I spoke about that at her funeral. One thing I will always try to do when it comes to my family. When they love big, you lose big. Losing someone would probably be so much easier if they didn’t love you so much. She even loved me through all my faults as I did hers. And buddy we can be bullheaded, but we always managed to say (and mean it) “I Love You”.

It’s just been hitting really hard lately. My depression makes it difficult to be able to give the care to issues at home that they deserve. I just want to ignore the problem or minimize my involvement. I feel like I can’t take another thing. If I talk about how I’m feeling, does it really matter? Or is that just how I’m negatively perceiving it? Can’t we just go on with our lives without incident until I completely mend these wounds and unpack all the bullshit? No, it can’t wait. So, I’ll keep trying to move forward and attempt to understand why I feel and react the way I do. Learning how to communicate more effectively. How I wish I could speak with mom right now. I could really use the guidance of my parents now. I’ve lost so big.

The song I wrote above is about my mom and how I’m trying to navigate my life without her.

Stōbe